Monday, July 30, 2007
Finishing Tasks
Darren,
Well, you’re off to visit your uncle. I know you will have a great week. Thanks for the help this summer. You did a fabulous job. There was only one thing that puzzled me. Often you wouldn’t finish your task. You would do the main part of it, but then leave a mess behind you, or forget some final step. For example, when you repotted a houseplant, you got the plant potted just fine. But you left the garage door open, there was a trail of dirt through the hallway, a muddy puddle on the patio, the plant was left sitting in the entryway...
This seems like a common pattern that I see with my clients too. The main task is done, but not all the follow-up. Do you have any ideas about what might be going on, and what to do about this?
Thanks,
Mom
Well, you’re off to visit your uncle. I know you will have a great week. Thanks for the help this summer. You did a fabulous job. There was only one thing that puzzled me. Often you wouldn’t finish your task. You would do the main part of it, but then leave a mess behind you, or forget some final step. For example, when you repotted a houseplant, you got the plant potted just fine. But you left the garage door open, there was a trail of dirt through the hallway, a muddy puddle on the patio, the plant was left sitting in the entryway...
This seems like a common pattern that I see with my clients too. The main task is done, but not all the follow-up. Do you have any ideas about what might be going on, and what to do about this?
Thanks,
Mom
Wednesday, July 18, 2007
Contentment within change; Darren's Response
Dear Mom,
I think what you’re saying is that...that...the world’s going to explode in 20 seconds!
Actually when you are thinking, “I’m horrible and I need to change”, it makes you unhappy and depressed so you can’t look at it objectively and figure out how to change.
But if you’re thinking, “I’m good…and how can I be great?”, then you are happy with yourself and confident. With that confidence you can make the changes to make yourself better, while remembering that you’re still good in the first place.
Darren
I think what you’re saying is that...that...the world’s going to explode in 20 seconds!
Actually when you are thinking, “I’m horrible and I need to change”, it makes you unhappy and depressed so you can’t look at it objectively and figure out how to change.
But if you’re thinking, “I’m good…and how can I be great?”, then you are happy with yourself and confident. With that confidence you can make the changes to make yourself better, while remembering that you’re still good in the first place.
Darren
Monday, July 16, 2007
Contentment within change
Darren,
As you may know, I’ve been personally working with the idea of contentment, and what makes some people content while others are always discontent. We all know people in difficult or sad situations who are still content with life. And other people can be in reasonably good situations, yet are very discontent. I wonder why?
I think a key to contentment is to deliberately cultivate a basic sense of acceptance of ourselves and of the world around us, as it currently is, before thinking about how we might improve on it all.
It’s hard to be both in self-improvement mode and simultaneously be fine with our current, unimproved self. But I think that self-improvement must start from a basic acceptance of how we are, and then move on to considering various options about how we might like to change, rather than starting from a sense that we are currently unacceptable and must be changed. Starting with the believe that we are OK right now will enable us to keep our confidence up and self-esteem strong, even though we are working on things we would like to improve in ourselves in the upcoming near future.
Likewise, I think it is best to start with an acceptance of our current situations, before moving on to consider what could or might be changed. This keeps us from being too controlling or demanding or impatient. It allows flexibility so we can work together with others rather than forcing our ideas on the world.
Love,
Mom
As you may know, I’ve been personally working with the idea of contentment, and what makes some people content while others are always discontent. We all know people in difficult or sad situations who are still content with life. And other people can be in reasonably good situations, yet are very discontent. I wonder why?
I think a key to contentment is to deliberately cultivate a basic sense of acceptance of ourselves and of the world around us, as it currently is, before thinking about how we might improve on it all.
It’s hard to be both in self-improvement mode and simultaneously be fine with our current, unimproved self. But I think that self-improvement must start from a basic acceptance of how we are, and then move on to considering various options about how we might like to change, rather than starting from a sense that we are currently unacceptable and must be changed. Starting with the believe that we are OK right now will enable us to keep our confidence up and self-esteem strong, even though we are working on things we would like to improve in ourselves in the upcoming near future.
Likewise, I think it is best to start with an acceptance of our current situations, before moving on to consider what could or might be changed. This keeps us from being too controlling or demanding or impatient. It allows flexibility so we can work together with others rather than forcing our ideas on the world.
Love,
Mom
Friday, July 06, 2007
Being told what to do; Darren's Response
Dear Mom,
Another thing with me telling myself to do the work is that you don’t get upset with me for standing around doing nothing. And I guess I don’t mind work so much anymore. I mean, I look forward to being done, but it is a lot easer to do.
Another change is motivation. Last summer I had no reason to work other than keeping you from being mad at me. This summer you threatened to take away my computer. That is always at the back of my mind. I have also learned the good feeling that you get when someone compliments you on a job well done.
Darren
Another thing with me telling myself to do the work is that you don’t get upset with me for standing around doing nothing. And I guess I don’t mind work so much anymore. I mean, I look forward to being done, but it is a lot easer to do.
Another change is motivation. Last summer I had no reason to work other than keeping you from being mad at me. This summer you threatened to take away my computer. That is always at the back of my mind. I have also learned the good feeling that you get when someone compliments you on a job well done.
Darren
Thursday, July 05, 2007
Being told what to do
Dear Darren,
We are both disappointed that you weren’t able to find a summer job this summer. And since you’re not allowed to just sit around while everyone else works, I’m having you work for me like you did last summer.
And you are doing a much, much better job than last year. In particular, we are getting along much better than last year. It seems to me like you are much less defensive and argumentative.
When I asked you why you think we’re doing better than last year, you said you think it’s because you are telling yourself to do the work rather than waiting for me to tell you.
This makes a lot of sense. No one likes being told what to do. People with Asperger Syndrome can be quite independent and often really don’t like being told what to do. You don’t like being told what to do. Yet obviously you can’t just goof around your whole life and not listen to authority.
So you’ve discovered a very important key. Figure out what those in authority want you to do, and then tell yourself to do it before they do, so you don’t have to be told as often.
I love the fact that you’re working without being told, and you seem to like it better too!
Mom
We are both disappointed that you weren’t able to find a summer job this summer. And since you’re not allowed to just sit around while everyone else works, I’m having you work for me like you did last summer.
And you are doing a much, much better job than last year. In particular, we are getting along much better than last year. It seems to me like you are much less defensive and argumentative.
When I asked you why you think we’re doing better than last year, you said you think it’s because you are telling yourself to do the work rather than waiting for me to tell you.
This makes a lot of sense. No one likes being told what to do. People with Asperger Syndrome can be quite independent and often really don’t like being told what to do. You don’t like being told what to do. Yet obviously you can’t just goof around your whole life and not listen to authority.
So you’ve discovered a very important key. Figure out what those in authority want you to do, and then tell yourself to do it before they do, so you don’t have to be told as often.
I love the fact that you’re working without being told, and you seem to like it better too!
Mom
Tuesday, July 03, 2007
Persistence; Response by Darren
Dear mom,
Moving is a lot of hard work. I am so glad that I seem to always be not around when you move, it’s such a relief! So I can understand moving making you too busy to do blogs. And it is hard to do other stuff when on vacation, especially if you don’t have your computer handy.
As for goals, you’re absolutely right. If everything has to be perfectly right and perfectly on time, then you’ll never do anything because perfect is unattainable. Do the best you can. That’s all you should expect of yourself. Real failure is when you fail to do the best you can.
Darren
Moving is a lot of hard work. I am so glad that I seem to always be not around when you move, it’s such a relief! So I can understand moving making you too busy to do blogs. And it is hard to do other stuff when on vacation, especially if you don’t have your computer handy.
As for goals, you’re absolutely right. If everything has to be perfectly right and perfectly on time, then you’ll never do anything because perfect is unattainable. Do the best you can. That’s all you should expect of yourself. Real failure is when you fail to do the best you can.
Darren
Monday, July 02, 2007
Persistence
Darren,
Thanks for being patient with the fact that I haven’t written in this blog for a very long time. It’s easy to let a good thing lapse. We all have, with diets or exercise routines or saving money or even little things like walking the dog every morning. It’s hard to stay consistent in life when other things happen. In our case, we moved (what a lot of work!) and then went on vacation (yay).
The key to being consistent in life with your goals is to always start back up again if you quit. It’s easy to go a month and then just give up because it’s been a month. But if you start back up again, you’ve only missed a month. And if it’s a life-long good habit, or a long term goal, then one month (or two) won’t make a big difference in the long run.
Sometimes people with Asperger Syndrome think things have to be done perfectly right every time exactly on time, or else it's wrong and not worth doing. This blog entry is late, but I'm muddling through and trying again and it will end up OK. The blog is still worth doing, even though it isn't perfect with a great big month-and-a-half hole in it.
Since this blog is one of my goals, I’m going to start back up again and write some more. Someday the month-and-a-half gap won't look so big. And I’m looking forward to it!
Mom
Thanks for being patient with the fact that I haven’t written in this blog for a very long time. It’s easy to let a good thing lapse. We all have, with diets or exercise routines or saving money or even little things like walking the dog every morning. It’s hard to stay consistent in life when other things happen. In our case, we moved (what a lot of work!) and then went on vacation (yay).
The key to being consistent in life with your goals is to always start back up again if you quit. It’s easy to go a month and then just give up because it’s been a month. But if you start back up again, you’ve only missed a month. And if it’s a life-long good habit, or a long term goal, then one month (or two) won’t make a big difference in the long run.
Sometimes people with Asperger Syndrome think things have to be done perfectly right every time exactly on time, or else it's wrong and not worth doing. This blog entry is late, but I'm muddling through and trying again and it will end up OK. The blog is still worth doing, even though it isn't perfect with a great big month-and-a-half hole in it.
Since this blog is one of my goals, I’m going to start back up again and write some more. Someday the month-and-a-half gap won't look so big. And I’m looking forward to it!
Mom
