Coaching Asperger

Dear Mom,
This is just like what David Burns writes. Your emotions depend not on the world around you, but how you think about the world around you. Changing your thinking can change your mood even when the situation doesn’t change. However, if something to make you mad or sad has legitimately happened, then there is no need to try to change your thinking, because it isn’t distorted! Same with guilt. If you didn’t do anything wrong, change your feeling so that you don’t feel guilty, but if you did do something bad, the guilt is legit and you don’t need to change your thinking.

Darren

Darren,

It is Saturday afternoon and I was resting because I didn’t feel well. John was working, doing something that made a lot of noise, making it hard for me to rest.

This could be a recipe for emotional disaster, or it could be a normal, happy, Saturday afternoon. I want you to practice putting yourself into other people’s shoes and guessing their emotions. How are we feeling? Is this a happy Saturday afternoon or a difficult one?

You’re getting good at this, so I picked a hard one. There are several possible answers.

I could be feeling grateful that I could rest and grateful that he was working so hard. Or I could be feeling angry that he was making so much noise. Or I could be feeling guilty for sitting around while he worked.

He could be feeling understanding and sympathetic that I didn’t feel well. Or he could be feeling resentful that I wasn’t helping. Or he could be feeling worried about the fact that I didn’t feel well and frustrated because he didn’t know how to make me feel better. Or he could be feeling guilty for making too much noise.

Why are there several possible answers? What controls whether I would be grateful or angry? Do you think we have any choice in which of those emotions we are actually feeling?

The answer is yes, we do have the ability to change or control or choose how we feel, if we stop to think about how we are thinking.

The answer is in a sneaky little word, “should.” If I think to myself, “John shouldn’t make so much noise,” then I’ll be mad at him. If I think, “I shouldn’t be laying around like this on a busy Saturday,” then I’ll feel guilty, which is a lot like being mad at myself. The word, “should” is a judgment, it’s a blame word. Blame is generally not useful because it creates negative emotion.

Sometimes negative emotions are useful. If we’ve done something bad, it’s good to feel guilty so we will be motivated to fix the problem we created. Also imagining we’d feel guilty will help us remember not to do something bad in the future. Also sometimes anger can be useful too. But often, we have more anger and guilt than we need in our lives.

Usually when I catch myself feeling angry or guilty, I look for the blaming statement and ask myself whether there is something more positive I can think instead. In this case, a more positive thought could be, “I’m so glad I can take a break today. And I’m so glad John is getting a lot done. I’ll remember to thank him.” Now there is just positive emotion, and no anger or guilt.

I gave you a tricky puzzle to guess how we might be feeling in that situation. In a case like that, your best bet is probably just to ask. “Hey mom, I see you’re resting. Are you feeling OK? Do you want me to get you anything?”

Or how about, “Hey John, I see you’re working all by yourself there. You want some help with that?”

That would be great!

Love,
Mom

Dear Mom,
I know what you are talking about. If someone’s first impression of me is a big strong teenager with a black trench coat, they might not want to get to know me because they will be afraid. Most people I interact with have gotten to know me and know that I’m a really nice guy, but if people won’t get to know me they won’t know that.

I also realize that the look on my face can get a little intense and I will try to fix that. I am no longer a loner without many friends, but many people with Asperger are, and also, when I go to college I might become a loner for a little while before I find friends.

Darren

Darren,

This blog entry is hard for me to write because it’s about a serious and sad topic. But I think it’s important for you to hear and also for other people with Asperger Syndrome who might be reading this.

For the last couple of days our nation has been saddened by the shootings at Virginia Tech. It has made people sad, and also scared. They are afraid there might be another shooter like that somewhere and it could happen to them. The student who shot everyone was described as a loner without very many friends. Our society doesn’t trust loners without very many friends. And unfortunately, people with Asperger Syndrome are often loners without very many friends.

People are naturally afraid of each other, even though we also want to all get along. One of your big roles in the social world is letting other people know that you are safe and sane and okay to be around. That will make everyone happy to be with you.

You can seem a little odd because you have Asperger Syndrome. So you may want to go out of your way to let people know they can trust you and that you are safe. Just because you are a goodhearted person, doesn’t mean people can tell unless you show them.

That is why we suggest that you not wear your black trench coat all the time. Black trench coats don’t seem safe to people. It makes you seem scary and you are already a big, tall, young, strong guy.

Even more important is the looks on your face and the emotion you show with your body. It is very common for people with Asperger Syndrome to not notice their body language and not realize that it is extremely important.

Sometimes when you are mildly annoyed, such as when we ask you to wash the dishes, you get a look on your face like you want to kill us. If I didn’t know you and know all about Asperger Syndrome, I might think that I should run for my life!

You must, must, must, learn how to catch yourself when you are about to give that look and never, ever give anyone that look. I know it seems crazy to you to hear me say this, but you can destroy a relationship with one look. That look is so intense, that people think you are saying, “I will kill you,” and they may never trust you again. They might mistakenly think that you are crazy like that student who shot people.

It’s hard for people with Asperger Syndrome to understand how strongly faces speak, but they are much more important than words to most people. Most people think that facial expressions are always true. But most people know that with words, it is possible to joke around or tell little lies, or big lies. That’s why most people don’t listen to words very much. But one really strong and scary look is all it will take for you to lose someone’s trust forever.

Whew, sorry for the long and serious blog today. But you are such a sweet guy and it wouldn’t be fair for someone to think that you are like a scary shooter. Asperger Syndrome isn’t a mental illness, it’s just a communication disorder. So all you need to do is learn the communication skills that are used in this world to reassure others, and you’ll be fine.

Love,
Mom

Dear Mom,
I would never do anything to Laura’s car! She’d kill me! But, yes, when you can’t do anything and it isn’t your fault, you can just be empathetic or sympathetic. If it isn’t your fault but you could do something, you can just be sympathetic, but it would be really nice to help out. If it is your fault, but you can’t do anything, you need to be really nice and helpful to that person. If it’s your fault and there is something you can do, do it!

Darren

Dear Darren,

Yesterday I said that you don’t have to fix people’s feelings, just let them know that you are listening and that you understand.

But there is one exception to that rule. The exception is – if you caused the feeling then maybe you need to fix it! For example, if you borrowed your sister’s car, drove too close to the mailbox and scratched her car, how would she feel? Probably mad. And it wouldn’t be enough for you to listen to her and say, “Sounds like you are mad.” Instead, you would need to go and take the car and pay to get the scratch rubbed out. (Not that you would ever scratch your sister’s car, of course ☺)

But in yesterday’s example, I was sad because our family all lives in many different parts of the country. I have brothers on the east coast and a sister in the south and parents on the west coast and Laura in Hawaii…and there really isn’t anything anyone can do about that. So that is a good time for you to say, “Oh, sounds like you are sad.” And I’ll say, “Yes, I am sad about that today, but I am also glad that everyone is doing well. And at least we have cell phones!”

Love,
Mom

Dear Darren,

You’re doing a great job of thinking about other people lately. You thought to go and help your step-brother get ready for Easter over the weekend. And you asked me about my Easter instead of just talking about yours. That meant a lot to me. I miss our extended family at holidays, because we all live in different parts of the country and can’t always visit. This year seemed particularly hard somehow. The weather was cold; it just didn’t seem like spring. Thanks for asking and thanks for listening.

People with Asperger Syndrome often just want to talk about their own interests. They forget to pay attention to see if their friends and family are even interested in hearing so much. They forget to ask questions and forget to let other people talk sometimes. Asking questions and listening to others is one of the biggest gifts you can give the world.

It was particularly nice of you to listen to me talk about my emotions. Emotions are important. Sometimes people with Asperger Syndrome don’t like to listen to people’s emotions. But it can help if you remind yourself that you don’t have to fix other people’s emotions. You don’t have to make people happy if they are sad. It’s their responsibility to change their feelings themselves, if they want to, when they’re ready. What you can do is let them know that you understand how they feel.

I appreciate that you were willing to hear that I was a little bit sad at Easter. And it was okay, I’m strong enough to be a little bit sad sometimes. And now I’m happy again.

Thanks for listening!

Love,
Mom

Dear Mom,
I still like to talk about myself a lot, and still sometimes miss the clues that people don’t want to hear it, but I make sure to give others a chance to speak. When I’m on the phone, I am always sure to ask the other person how their life is going, particularly if I’ve been going on and on about my own.

Darren