Wednesday, March 21, 2007
Asperger teen independence; Darren's Response
Dear Mom,
I think you’re right. I find that more and more lately Dad’s “Because I said so” or “Because I’m Dad” really makes me mad. If Dad makes a decision regarding me, I want to know why. Even if I don’t understand the reason, I need to know that he has a good, well thought out reason, and isn’t just being mean. I sometimes will understand the reason and disagree with it, and that, apparently, is the whole reason Dad won’t tell me his reasons. And I hate that. I can’t have decisions made for me anymore. I need to know the reasons. Anyways, I think you’re right in that I need to get out in the world and do things in order to get experience in things I will be doing when I get out on my own.
Darren
I think you’re right. I find that more and more lately Dad’s “Because I said so” or “Because I’m Dad” really makes me mad. If Dad makes a decision regarding me, I want to know why. Even if I don’t understand the reason, I need to know that he has a good, well thought out reason, and isn’t just being mean. I sometimes will understand the reason and disagree with it, and that, apparently, is the whole reason Dad won’t tell me his reasons. And I hate that. I can’t have decisions made for me anymore. I need to know the reasons. Anyways, I think you’re right in that I need to get out in the world and do things in order to get experience in things I will be doing when I get out on my own.
Darren
Tuesday, March 20, 2007
Asperger teen independence
Dear Darren,
Your frustration last night probably didn’t really have much at all to do with Asperger Syndrome. It was probably just teenage rebellion. Like every other teen, it’s time for you to be developing the skills to become independent. You’re kicking at the constraints that bind you at home. Yet in order to leave, you first have some skills to learn.
Sometimes teens with Asperger Syndrome can lack confidence about getting out into the world. Sometimes they stay home too much. A lot of the skills that are being developed in the teen years are social and emotional skills. Teens with Asperger may be behind in these areas. That can cause reluctance to go out there and face the world. The world can be confusing. Store clerks can be rude. Bosses can be unpredictable.
And yet, there really is no better way to learn about the world, than to be out in the world. My suggestion is to take small steps – but do take them.
Get in your car and do the family’s grocery shopping for the week. Or go get Asian take-out for the family dinner. Go pick up your step-brother’s package from the post office. Take in your dad’s dry cleaning for him. You don’t have to be out there doing big, important things. Just be out there doing little things for people.
It’ll build your confidence, you’ll be appreciated, and you’ll feel more like an adult. And soon you’ll be treated more like an adult.
Love,
Mom
Your frustration last night probably didn’t really have much at all to do with Asperger Syndrome. It was probably just teenage rebellion. Like every other teen, it’s time for you to be developing the skills to become independent. You’re kicking at the constraints that bind you at home. Yet in order to leave, you first have some skills to learn.
Sometimes teens with Asperger Syndrome can lack confidence about getting out into the world. Sometimes they stay home too much. A lot of the skills that are being developed in the teen years are social and emotional skills. Teens with Asperger may be behind in these areas. That can cause reluctance to go out there and face the world. The world can be confusing. Store clerks can be rude. Bosses can be unpredictable.
And yet, there really is no better way to learn about the world, than to be out in the world. My suggestion is to take small steps – but do take them.
Get in your car and do the family’s grocery shopping for the week. Or go get Asian take-out for the family dinner. Go pick up your step-brother’s package from the post office. Take in your dad’s dry cleaning for him. You don’t have to be out there doing big, important things. Just be out there doing little things for people.
It’ll build your confidence, you’ll be appreciated, and you’ll feel more like an adult. And soon you’ll be treated more like an adult.
Love,
Mom
Saturday, March 03, 2007
Spirituality in Asperger Syndrome; Darren's Response
Dear Mom,
You’re absolutely right. Asperger is about communication problems, not emotional ones.
We did have to go through the David Burns books about feelings, but many people do. And as you said, if you just pay attention to other people’s emotions and how you are portraying your own, you can have a normal emotional interaction. Spirituality, emotion, philosophy, and depth are very important things and shouldn’t be ignored.
Darren
You’re absolutely right. Asperger is about communication problems, not emotional ones.
We did have to go through the David Burns books about feelings, but many people do. And as you said, if you just pay attention to other people’s emotions and how you are portraying your own, you can have a normal emotional interaction. Spirituality, emotion, philosophy, and depth are very important things and shouldn’t be ignored.
Darren
Friday, March 02, 2007
Spirituality in Asperger Syndrome
Dear Darren,
I have just finished reading the autobiography of a wonderful man whom I believe has Asperger Syndrome, although he never guessed it. His life was plagued with loneliness but he eventually did extremely well in his career after a slow and difficult start. The reason no one ever guessed he probably has Asperger Syndrome is that he is a gentle, spiritual, feeling, and compassionate man.
And that is the paradox I want you to think about. This world assumes, incorrectly, that people with Asperger have impaired feelings. That’s a misunderstanding. People with Asperger have an impaired ability to recognize and understand other people’s feelings. It is an interpersonal communication disorder, not a lack of ability to experience emotion.
You have to deliberately think about how other people are feeling in order to understand what they are feeling. You have to deliberately pay attention to body language and tone of voice that you may otherwise overlook, in both yourself and others. That does not mean that you are inherently cold or lack feeling or lack compassion.
In fact, you, Darren, are a highly spiritual, philosophical, emotional, and deep person. I have rarely encountered someone as emotionally sensitive as you, particularly at your age. Do not ignore that side of yourself. Do not buy into this world’s misunderstanding of Asperger Syndrome and squelch that side of yourself. It is part of your light for this world.
Love,
Mom
I have just finished reading the autobiography of a wonderful man whom I believe has Asperger Syndrome, although he never guessed it. His life was plagued with loneliness but he eventually did extremely well in his career after a slow and difficult start. The reason no one ever guessed he probably has Asperger Syndrome is that he is a gentle, spiritual, feeling, and compassionate man.
And that is the paradox I want you to think about. This world assumes, incorrectly, that people with Asperger have impaired feelings. That’s a misunderstanding. People with Asperger have an impaired ability to recognize and understand other people’s feelings. It is an interpersonal communication disorder, not a lack of ability to experience emotion.
You have to deliberately think about how other people are feeling in order to understand what they are feeling. You have to deliberately pay attention to body language and tone of voice that you may otherwise overlook, in both yourself and others. That does not mean that you are inherently cold or lack feeling or lack compassion.
In fact, you, Darren, are a highly spiritual, philosophical, emotional, and deep person. I have rarely encountered someone as emotionally sensitive as you, particularly at your age. Do not ignore that side of yourself. Do not buy into this world’s misunderstanding of Asperger Syndrome and squelch that side of yourself. It is part of your light for this world.
Love,
Mom
