Coaching Asperger

Dear Mom,
Reflection is a good technique. Like you said, it helps reassure people that you understand and care about what they’re thinking and feeling, without admitting any fault on your part.

Darren

Dear Darren,

For the last few entries I’ve been writing about ways we could have avoided our argument about your game. But I also want to talk about how we fixed the problem after we had our argument.

It’s the magic technique called reflection. You told me how you felt. Then I reflected back what you said. Then you felt understood. The wonderful thing about this technique is it works even if we don’t agree with each other. I can reflect how you feel regardless of whether I agree with it. If you felt ignored, then I can say that you felt ignored, regardless of whether I thought I had been ignoring you.

Then to be fair, we switched and it was your turn to reflect me. It was really very nice to hear you say back to me how I had felt. I didn’t mind if you didn’t agree with it. It was just really good to be understood. I really appreciated you taking a moment to think about how I felt.

Love,
Mom

Dear Mom,
Being demanding isn’t the right way to go, it does cause people to be upset with you. The problem with this tactic however, is that you don’t always want someone to do something that they’re good at. It can sometimes be hard to find something to do for them. But if you can do one of those things, it will help a lot.

Darren

Dear Darren,

Last time I promised I’d talk to you about how to entice people to do things your way. Often you’re quite demanding. Sometimes being demanding works to get your way, but it only works at a huge cost to the relationship. You may win that little battle, but eventually you’ll lose the relationship if you persist in getting your way by being overbearing.

The goal is to have people feel happy and good after they’ve done something nice for you, not resent you for it. Then they will even want to do more things for you later!

Why would people feel happy and good after they do something for you? I think we all like to feel useful. So it helps to point out how useful people are and how good they are at things.

Remember that new game you wanted me to play with you? Do you remember the one thing I did happily do for you? I helped you sort the little plastic figurines. Do you know why? It’s because I’m very good at pattern recognition so I’m good at finding specific little figurines in a big pile. We had even been talking about how good I am at that. Everyone likes to do things that other people think they’re good at. So remember to tell people how good they are at doing things. Then they will want to do those things for you.

Also remember to do things for others first. One day recently when I was especially tired, I was trying to make cookies for the family. Your sister noticed that I had been doing most of the cooking, so she took over making them. Later that day I had time and energy to spend with her.

Remember when you shoveled snow out of the street for the neighbors? Soon more neighbors were shoveling snow for each other. If you give first, often others will give back even more.

Mom

Dear Mom,
I did push to hard. I was excited about it and wanted to try it out. That’s all I thought about, the fact that you let Laura try out her new game but wouldn’t let me try out mine. I failed to put myself in your shoes and try to see what you felt about the matter. I didn’t care. That is not the way to go about getting something.

Darren

Darren,

I’m glad we finally got that whole saga about your game figured out.

It started with you and I having completely different expectations. I expected you would be very glad I bought you that expensive game, and then you would go play your new game with your friends. But you expected I would play it with you, right away, maybe several times.

Then you pushed me hard to play the new game with you. From my perspective you were relentless. You were demanding, browbeating. You wouldn’t take no for an answer. I felt harassed. From your perspective, you only asked a few times, in a reasonably polite manner, and you had something somewhat new to say each time.

That’s a common Asperger mistake – to push people too hard. It’s because you were so focused on your goal that you forget to put yourself in my shoes and wonder how I’m doing over there. And I wasn’t doing particularly well.

You didn’t pick up on my polite sighs, my calm comments like, “Not now, Darren.” Or, “Maybe later,” You didn’t notice my tired looks, or my little comments like, “My, what a busy day it’s been.” You didn’t notice how much work I had been doing. You didn’t think to offer to help. You didn’t ask whether I had a migraine. You forgot about my shoes, that is, you forgot to put yourself into them.

The second problem was you didn’t read the warning signs that I was getting close to having heard all that I could handle. You know how your puppy sometimes accidentally nips you when he is chewing on his chew stick? You said, “Maybe if I learned how to yip, he’d get the point.” Sometimes I feel like I need to have a way for me to say in your language, “Ouch, Darren, stop what you are saying and give me a break!”

You forgot that the best way to get what you want is to arrange it so that other people actually want to do it for you. Not by force or demanding, but by something much more appealing. How? That topic is for next time.

Love,
Mom

Happy Birthday, Darren!

Congratulations on a great year. And in particular, congratulations on having a great set of friends to come over and help you celebrate this weekend. You've come a long way and we're proud of you.

love,
Mom

Dear Mom,
This might be a good skill to practice while watching movies, providing that the actor does a good job of portraying the character.

Darren

Dear Darren,

I wouldn’t typically suggest people watch Star Wars to get relationship or communication tips. The movie was made for the special effects and is not noted for its good dialogue. Nonetheless, I was pleased that you noticed how defensive and blaming Han Solo was at times. Often the key to good communication is simply recognizing what’s going on around you. Noticing who is on the offensive, noticing who is on the defensive. Then it’s just a short step to guessing why, and guessing what could be done about it (should you want to do anything about it).

Love,
Mom

Dear Mom,
I agree. I did push to hard. It’s not asking too much. It’s asking what the world wants. It may not be fair, but life is often not fair. Have you ever noticed that when life is not fair against us, we always say, “That’s not fair!” and “Why me?” but we never ask those questions when the unfairness is in our favor? Interesting thing to keep in mind next time you’re complaining that life’s not fair.

Darren

Dear Darren,

I’m sorry your teacher turned you down when you asked for a special accommodation at school. And I’m sorry she insulted your grandmother who suggested the accommodation. And I know it was because you pushed too hard and were too demanding and you ended up frustrating your teacher.

I often want you to just pretend you don’t have Asperger and do a good job at school the same as the other kids. It’s asking a lot. Probably it’s asking too much. It’s probably not fair to you. But the more you can learn do without accommodations, the better off you will be as an adult.

When situations don’t work very well for you, I never know how much to ask you to change, and how much to help you change the situations you find yourself in. When you and the world don’t fit, should you try to change yourself, or should you try to change the world?

I’m a pragmatic person and I often try whichever seems most likely to work. But how is it fair that people with Asperger always have to accommodate the rest of the world, and the rest of the world doesn’t have to accommodate Asperger? Well, it’s not fair.

And it’s also not always clear what is easiest or what will work best. When I work with my clients, they often want to learn to accommodate for the world. And they go to great lengths to learn the ways of the rest of the world to keep the people around them happy. But it is so much work for them. And I wish there was an easier way.

Love,
Mom