Saturday, April 28, 2007
How are we feeling today?
Darren,
It is Saturday afternoon and I was resting because I didn’t feel well. John was working, doing something that made a lot of noise, making it hard for me to rest.
This could be a recipe for emotional disaster, or it could be a normal, happy, Saturday afternoon. I want you to practice putting yourself into other people’s shoes and guessing their emotions. How are we feeling? Is this a happy Saturday afternoon or a difficult one?
You’re getting good at this, so I picked a hard one. There are several possible answers.
I could be feeling grateful that I could rest and grateful that he was working so hard. Or I could be feeling angry that he was making so much noise. Or I could be feeling guilty for sitting around while he worked.
He could be feeling understanding and sympathetic that I didn’t feel well. Or he could be feeling resentful that I wasn’t helping. Or he could be feeling worried about the fact that I didn’t feel well and frustrated because he didn’t know how to make me feel better. Or he could be feeling guilty for making too much noise.
Why are there several possible answers? What controls whether I would be grateful or angry? Do you think we have any choice in which of those emotions we are actually feeling?
The answer is yes, we do have the ability to change or control or choose how we feel, if we stop to think about how we are thinking.
The answer is in a sneaky little word, “should.” If I think to myself, “John shouldn’t make so much noise,” then I’ll be mad at him. If I think, “I shouldn’t be laying around like this on a busy Saturday,” then I’ll feel guilty, which is a lot like being mad at myself. The word, “should” is a judgment, it’s a blame word. Blame is generally not useful because it creates negative emotion.
Sometimes negative emotions are useful. If we’ve done something bad, it’s good to feel guilty so we will be motivated to fix the problem we created. Also imagining we’d feel guilty will help us remember not to do something bad in the future. Also sometimes anger can be useful too. But often, we have more anger and guilt than we need in our lives.
Usually when I catch myself feeling angry or guilty, I look for the blaming statement and ask myself whether there is something more positive I can think instead. In this case, a more positive thought could be, “I’m so glad I can take a break today. And I’m so glad John is getting a lot done. I’ll remember to thank him.” Now there is just positive emotion, and no anger or guilt.
I gave you a tricky puzzle to guess how we might be feeling in that situation. In a case like that, your best bet is probably just to ask. “Hey mom, I see you’re resting. Are you feeling OK? Do you want me to get you anything?”
Or how about, “Hey John, I see you’re working all by yourself there. You want some help with that?”
That would be great!
Love,
Mom
It is Saturday afternoon and I was resting because I didn’t feel well. John was working, doing something that made a lot of noise, making it hard for me to rest.
This could be a recipe for emotional disaster, or it could be a normal, happy, Saturday afternoon. I want you to practice putting yourself into other people’s shoes and guessing their emotions. How are we feeling? Is this a happy Saturday afternoon or a difficult one?
You’re getting good at this, so I picked a hard one. There are several possible answers.
I could be feeling grateful that I could rest and grateful that he was working so hard. Or I could be feeling angry that he was making so much noise. Or I could be feeling guilty for sitting around while he worked.
He could be feeling understanding and sympathetic that I didn’t feel well. Or he could be feeling resentful that I wasn’t helping. Or he could be feeling worried about the fact that I didn’t feel well and frustrated because he didn’t know how to make me feel better. Or he could be feeling guilty for making too much noise.
Why are there several possible answers? What controls whether I would be grateful or angry? Do you think we have any choice in which of those emotions we are actually feeling?
The answer is yes, we do have the ability to change or control or choose how we feel, if we stop to think about how we are thinking.
The answer is in a sneaky little word, “should.” If I think to myself, “John shouldn’t make so much noise,” then I’ll be mad at him. If I think, “I shouldn’t be laying around like this on a busy Saturday,” then I’ll feel guilty, which is a lot like being mad at myself. The word, “should” is a judgment, it’s a blame word. Blame is generally not useful because it creates negative emotion.
Sometimes negative emotions are useful. If we’ve done something bad, it’s good to feel guilty so we will be motivated to fix the problem we created. Also imagining we’d feel guilty will help us remember not to do something bad in the future. Also sometimes anger can be useful too. But often, we have more anger and guilt than we need in our lives.
Usually when I catch myself feeling angry or guilty, I look for the blaming statement and ask myself whether there is something more positive I can think instead. In this case, a more positive thought could be, “I’m so glad I can take a break today. And I’m so glad John is getting a lot done. I’ll remember to thank him.” Now there is just positive emotion, and no anger or guilt.
I gave you a tricky puzzle to guess how we might be feeling in that situation. In a case like that, your best bet is probably just to ask. “Hey mom, I see you’re resting. Are you feeling OK? Do you want me to get you anything?”
Or how about, “Hey John, I see you’re working all by yourself there. You want some help with that?”
That would be great!
Love,
Mom
