Thursday, January 25, 2007
Tell them they're great! (then they'll do more)
Dear Darren,
Last time I promised I’d talk to you about how to entice people to do things your way. Often you’re quite demanding. Sometimes being demanding works to get your way, but it only works at a huge cost to the relationship. You may win that little battle, but eventually you’ll lose the relationship if you persist in getting your way by being overbearing.
The goal is to have people feel happy and good after they’ve done something nice for you, not resent you for it. Then they will even want to do more things for you later!
Why would people feel happy and good after they do something for you? I think we all like to feel useful. So it helps to point out how useful people are and how good they are at things.
Remember that new game you wanted me to play with you? Do you remember the one thing I did happily do for you? I helped you sort the little plastic figurines. Do you know why? It’s because I’m very good at pattern recognition so I’m good at finding specific little figurines in a big pile. We had even been talking about how good I am at that. Everyone likes to do things that other people think they’re good at. So remember to tell people how good they are at doing things. Then they will want to do those things for you.
Also remember to do things for others first. One day recently when I was especially tired, I was trying to make cookies for the family. Your sister noticed that I had been doing most of the cooking, so she took over making them. Later that day I had time and energy to spend with her.
Remember when you shoveled snow out of the street for the neighbors? Soon more neighbors were shoveling snow for each other. If you give first, often others will give back even more.
Mom
Last time I promised I’d talk to you about how to entice people to do things your way. Often you’re quite demanding. Sometimes being demanding works to get your way, but it only works at a huge cost to the relationship. You may win that little battle, but eventually you’ll lose the relationship if you persist in getting your way by being overbearing.
The goal is to have people feel happy and good after they’ve done something nice for you, not resent you for it. Then they will even want to do more things for you later!
Why would people feel happy and good after they do something for you? I think we all like to feel useful. So it helps to point out how useful people are and how good they are at things.
Remember that new game you wanted me to play with you? Do you remember the one thing I did happily do for you? I helped you sort the little plastic figurines. Do you know why? It’s because I’m very good at pattern recognition so I’m good at finding specific little figurines in a big pile. We had even been talking about how good I am at that. Everyone likes to do things that other people think they’re good at. So remember to tell people how good they are at doing things. Then they will want to do those things for you.
Also remember to do things for others first. One day recently when I was especially tired, I was trying to make cookies for the family. Your sister noticed that I had been doing most of the cooking, so she took over making them. Later that day I had time and energy to spend with her.
Remember when you shoveled snow out of the street for the neighbors? Soon more neighbors were shoveling snow for each other. If you give first, often others will give back even more.
Mom
