Friday, December 15, 2006
Talking Loud; Response by Darren
Dear Mom,
I know my loud voice is uncomfortable for other people and that it draws attention to myself, but I just never think about being loud when I am loud, because I am thinking about what I am saying.
Darren
I know my loud voice is uncomfortable for other people and that it draws attention to myself, but I just never think about being loud when I am loud, because I am thinking about what I am saying.
Darren
Wednesday, December 13, 2006
Talking Too Loud - or not
Dear Darren,
I know that sometimes the people around you have trouble with how loud you talk. You can be in a library or a quiet section of a bookstore and be at full volume and everyone stares. You are capable of speaking quietly when you remember. You just forget. We’ve been trying to figure out how to help you remember.
Your grandma suggested teaching you to learn to notice how you feel inside when you speak so loud. On the other hand, I thought it would be a good idea to teach you how to notice when people stare at you when you are so loud. I thought maybe that would remind you. But Grandma thought that might make you feel self-conscious (you have a smart grandma).
Reread what I wrote about the three stages last time I wrote. If you want to practice Stage 3, how should we handle this challenge?
Stage 1 would be happily talking loud and not caring what other people think.
Stage 2 would be learning to keep a moderate tone of voice so others would think you are a good guy. But maybe you would become self-conscious or uncomfortable in public, constantly afraid you might be doing something wrong.
Stage 3 would be you deciding to make people around you comfortable for their own sake. You would notice them and care about them. You would think of them as people in the world who have lives and concerns and situations of their own.
Maybe they have a headache, like I often do. Or maybe they are afraid of big, almost 6-foot teenagers because they were mugged once. Or maybe they have sensory integration problems like many people with Asperger Syndrome do, and so they have trouble with loud noises. Or maybe they can’t hear well and are trying to talk with the person they are with.
Or maybe they are just tired because their boss gave them too much work. Or maybe their kids are sick and their wife is grumpy and their car wouldn’t start in the cold weather. Or maybe they don’t have enough money to buy the special toy their son hopes for this Christmas so they are sad. Or maybe their son won’t be with them for Christmas because he will be with his other parent and the relatives on that side of the family. And maybe if you could lower your voice and smile, it would make them just a little happier.
And maybe you could remember to wonder what it might be like to be those other people. Then it wouldn’t make you feel self-conscious or shy or anxious to remember to keep your voice low. You wouldn’t be keeping your voice low because there is anything wrong with you. You would be doing it because you care about the world around you.
I know that sometimes the people around you have trouble with how loud you talk. You can be in a library or a quiet section of a bookstore and be at full volume and everyone stares. You are capable of speaking quietly when you remember. You just forget. We’ve been trying to figure out how to help you remember.
Your grandma suggested teaching you to learn to notice how you feel inside when you speak so loud. On the other hand, I thought it would be a good idea to teach you how to notice when people stare at you when you are so loud. I thought maybe that would remind you. But Grandma thought that might make you feel self-conscious (you have a smart grandma).
Reread what I wrote about the three stages last time I wrote. If you want to practice Stage 3, how should we handle this challenge?
Stage 1 would be happily talking loud and not caring what other people think.
Stage 2 would be learning to keep a moderate tone of voice so others would think you are a good guy. But maybe you would become self-conscious or uncomfortable in public, constantly afraid you might be doing something wrong.
Stage 3 would be you deciding to make people around you comfortable for their own sake. You would notice them and care about them. You would think of them as people in the world who have lives and concerns and situations of their own.
Maybe they have a headache, like I often do. Or maybe they are afraid of big, almost 6-foot teenagers because they were mugged once. Or maybe they have sensory integration problems like many people with Asperger Syndrome do, and so they have trouble with loud noises. Or maybe they can’t hear well and are trying to talk with the person they are with.
Or maybe they are just tired because their boss gave them too much work. Or maybe their kids are sick and their wife is grumpy and their car wouldn’t start in the cold weather. Or maybe they don’t have enough money to buy the special toy their son hopes for this Christmas so they are sad. Or maybe their son won’t be with them for Christmas because he will be with his other parent and the relatives on that side of the family. And maybe if you could lower your voice and smile, it would make them just a little happier.
And maybe you could remember to wonder what it might be like to be those other people. Then it wouldn’t make you feel self-conscious or shy or anxious to remember to keep your voice low. You wouldn’t be keeping your voice low because there is anything wrong with you. You would be doing it because you care about the world around you.
Wednesday, December 06, 2006
3 Stages of Relating; Response by Darren
Dear Mom,
I don’t remember Stage One. Maybe I skipped it. I am not sure if that was because you pushed me into Stage Two or if I ran into Stage Two because of bullies, but I do have memories of that stage in kindergarten. But I am starting into Stage 3 now.
Darren
I don’t remember Stage One. Maybe I skipped it. I am not sure if that was because you pushed me into Stage Two or if I ran into Stage Two because of bullies, but I do have memories of that stage in kindergarten. But I am starting into Stage 3 now.
Darren
Tuesday, December 05, 2006
3 Stages of Relating in Asperger Syndrome
Darren,
There seems to me to be three main stages that people with Asperger Syndrome go through in regards to how they relate to other people.
In Stage 1, the person with AS is fairly self-oriented and doesn’t pay a lot of attention to what other’s think. They’re not shy and they do their own thing. Other people may consider them to be weird but they don’t mind.
In Stage 2, the person with AS may start to want to fit in a little more. Maybe they’ve decided they want friends or a girlfriend or to get along better at school or work. In this stage they can learn a lot about communication and social skills. But the danger is they might get shy or overly anxious or self-conscious. They might worry too much about how they look or sound to other people. They also may become defensive and self-justifying or argumentative.
In Stage 3, they realize that it doesn’t matter that much how they look or sound. What matters more is how they make other people feel. Then they start paying attention to other people and stop focusing on what impression they might be making. They start remembering to reassure people and ask people questions about their day and show care and consideration.
It’s that focus on other people that will ultimately win the friends that you want.
I think I may have accidentally taught you Stage 2 back when you were in Stage 1. Now I need to fix my mistake and teach you Stage 3.
Love,
Mom
There seems to me to be three main stages that people with Asperger Syndrome go through in regards to how they relate to other people.
In Stage 1, the person with AS is fairly self-oriented and doesn’t pay a lot of attention to what other’s think. They’re not shy and they do their own thing. Other people may consider them to be weird but they don’t mind.
In Stage 2, the person with AS may start to want to fit in a little more. Maybe they’ve decided they want friends or a girlfriend or to get along better at school or work. In this stage they can learn a lot about communication and social skills. But the danger is they might get shy or overly anxious or self-conscious. They might worry too much about how they look or sound to other people. They also may become defensive and self-justifying or argumentative.
In Stage 3, they realize that it doesn’t matter that much how they look or sound. What matters more is how they make other people feel. Then they start paying attention to other people and stop focusing on what impression they might be making. They start remembering to reassure people and ask people questions about their day and show care and consideration.
It’s that focus on other people that will ultimately win the friends that you want.
I think I may have accidentally taught you Stage 2 back when you were in Stage 1. Now I need to fix my mistake and teach you Stage 3.
Love,
Mom
Monday, December 04, 2006
Getting Unstuck; Response by Darren
Dear Mom,
Getting overwhelmed is a gremlin? Interesting, I’ll have to look into that. How can you tell what someone who has already solved a problem would say to you when you haven’t solved it? Are you saying that you always know the answer; you just have to do a roundabout way of getting it?
Darren
Getting overwhelmed is a gremlin? Interesting, I’ll have to look into that. How can you tell what someone who has already solved a problem would say to you when you haven’t solved it? Are you saying that you always know the answer; you just have to do a roundabout way of getting it?
Darren
Getting Unstuck
Dear Darren,
I’m writing a Toastmaster’s speech called, “Stuck in a Rut.” Sometimes we’re stuck in little ruts, like we can’t seem to get through the pile of mail stuck on the kitchen table. Other times it’s bigger ruts, like we hate our job but don’t think we have any other options. In order to get out of a rut, it’s important to be able to see our way out. In my speech, I talk about two tricks to help see our way out of the rut. I learned them when I was in school training to be a life coach.
The first trick is to imagine that the discouraged thinking in your head is not really you, it’s just a gremlin. I’ve noticed that you have a gremlin that gets easily discouraged whenever you have a tough problem to solve. We should write down what he says to you so you can get familiar with his underhanded tactics and learn to quit listening to him.
The second trick is to imagine you have a successful future self who solved the problem that has you stuck in a rut. What would that future self say? He’d give you the answer of course! But what if he wanted you to figure it out yourself? Then what would he say? He would give you encouragement, wouldn’t he? We should write that encouragement down so you can practice telling it to yourself whenever you have a tough problem to solve and you feel stuck in a rut.
Mom
I’m writing a Toastmaster’s speech called, “Stuck in a Rut.” Sometimes we’re stuck in little ruts, like we can’t seem to get through the pile of mail stuck on the kitchen table. Other times it’s bigger ruts, like we hate our job but don’t think we have any other options. In order to get out of a rut, it’s important to be able to see our way out. In my speech, I talk about two tricks to help see our way out of the rut. I learned them when I was in school training to be a life coach.
The first trick is to imagine that the discouraged thinking in your head is not really you, it’s just a gremlin. I’ve noticed that you have a gremlin that gets easily discouraged whenever you have a tough problem to solve. We should write down what he says to you so you can get familiar with his underhanded tactics and learn to quit listening to him.
The second trick is to imagine you have a successful future self who solved the problem that has you stuck in a rut. What would that future self say? He’d give you the answer of course! But what if he wanted you to figure it out yourself? Then what would he say? He would give you encouragement, wouldn’t he? We should write that encouragement down so you can practice telling it to yourself whenever you have a tough problem to solve and you feel stuck in a rut.
Mom
