Coaching Asperger

Dear Mom,
It is easy to talk about your own interests, but when you talk about other people’s interests, it shows that you really care. For people skilled in reading them, facial expressions can tell us anything about the person’s emotions. Skilled people can even tell when someone is trying to send a different message than what is true, so it is an important skill to learn.

Darren

Dear Darren,

I still haven’t answered the question of how you’re supposed to be able to figure people out when they always hide their feelings. The secret is, they don’t totally hide their feelings. They show hints about the feelings that they want you to notice. But it’s a game they want you to figure out. They don’t think it’s cool to simply tell you how they’re feeling. The game is for you to play twenty questions.

So you guess. You look at their face. Is it sad? Is it happy? Sometimes it’s hard to tell. It takes practice. And sometimes you’ll guess wrong. But that’s OK because they’ll correct you.

You say, “Oh, are you having a bad day today?” And they will be glad you asked, even if they are having a perfectly fine day. They will be pleased because to them your question about their day means that you care about them.

Recently there was a Zits comic strip where the dad said, “Want to know the secret to impressing women? Ask them questions about the things that interest them and then listen really hard to the answers.” His teenage boy thought for awhile and then said, “That might just be crazy enough to work!”

And it is crazy enough to work. Everyone likes to talk about their own interests, not yours. And how do you know what they are interested in? Most people are interested in themselves and their family and their job or their classes and their pets and their house…you get the idea. And mostly, they are interested in their feelings. Which is why you want to learn how to discover people’s feelings.

Love,
Mom

Dear Mom,
If I was wearing my black trench coat they might be judging me. They would probably be a little apprehensive. But yes, most people are thinking about themselves 90% of the time. That’s why first impressions are so important.

Darren

Dear Darren,

Remember a week or so ago, when I mentioned that being able to understand people is one of the biggest skills in life? Then later I explained how people hide their inner selves. So how are you supposed to understand them?

It’s all though hints. Some hints I can tell you. For example, they are mostly concerned about themselves. If you were in their shoes and their mind, you would discover that they were worried about how they look, how they’re doing, and what might happen to them later that day. They are not thinking very much about you or anyone else around them. If they look at you, they may think, “Oh, there’s Darren.” Or if they don’t know you, they may think, “Oh, there’s a big, blond, good-looking teenage guy.” But they wouldn’t bother criticizing all the little things you’re saying or doing. They notice your first impression, and then quickly go back to thinking about themselves. That’s why there is no point to being self-conscious. People just don’t care that much about you! Excpet those of us who know you. We care. But we aren’t judging you because to us, hey, you’re Darren! What more is there to say? We love ya.

Dear Mom,
I agree. You talk about your problems with your friends; other people don’t want to know. It would just make them uncomfortable. And some things you just don’t want anyone to know.

Darren

Darren,

Last time I wrote, I started to talk about hiding your feelings. Particularly the ones that don’t do other people any good. It’s like putting your clothes on in the morning. It makes it easier for other people to be around you, particularly when they don’t know you very well! It’s a way of being polite. I don’t think it’s being fake, because you are still the real person inside. And most of the world doesn’t need to know the whole you. They just want to know little bits about you. Your very closest friends or partners will know more about you. But no one will ever know the full, total, Darren. Which is fine. Mystery is a beautiful concept.

Love,
Mom

Dear Mom,
You turned a situation that might have made me upset into a potentially humorous one. You’ve done good! And it is true that most people do want reassurance about things.

Darren

Dear Darren,

Yesterday I put myself in your shoes in order to realize what to say. I thought to myself, “if I was Darren and I got just a very short letter from Mom, how would I feel?” And I answered myself, “Maybe I would feel like she didn’t care about me”. So that’s how I knew to tell you that I’m just tired, but I still love you.

People with Asperger syndrome often forget how much NT people want to be reassured about emotions. I reassured you that I still loved you. You probably didn’t even need that reassurance because you have Asperger and you don’t worry about whether or not I love you. But NT people often want reassurance about emotions. They want to be told that they are loved. The only way to guess that is to put yourself in their shoes and in their minds.

Love,
Mom

Dear Mom,
I’m tierd too.

Darren

PS. Did you catch that intentional typo? ☺

Dear Darren,

Today I am tired. If I show my entire tiredness today, then you would not get a good letter. You would just get one that says, “Yawn, yawn, yawn, yawn, yawn…” So I’m going to hide my tiredness so I don’t make you tired too! Sometimes it is useful to hide some of our feelings. But it is also useful to let you know that if this letter is short today, it’s not because I don’t love you. It’s just because I’m tired!

Love,
Mom

Darren,

I've been recommending the book, "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus" by John Gray to some of my clients. And I've been thinking I should recommend it to you too, even though you aren't in a romantic relationship yet. The reason is, it could be titled, "People with Asperger Syndrome are from Mars, everyone else is from Venus". It seems that men with Asperger Syndrome fit John Gray's description of men even better than the average man. Of course all stereotypes are somewhat inaccurate. But if you read the book and start treating the whole world like they are from Venus, they will probably appreciate it.

Love,
Mom

Dear Mom,
I still think hiking is a lot of hard physical activity, especially backpacking, but I just love nature! The beauty of nature and wonder of the outdoors more then makes up for the physical activity. And I also get to spend time with you that I probably wouldn’t otherwise. As for making choices, I like to make my own choices and like I said earlier, I don’t like it when people make me do things when I don’t understand why. I realize that you don’t like some of the choices I make, but remember, there is only one lesson in victory, but there are a thousand in defeat so go ahead and let me make mistakes. It’s the only way I’ll learn.

Darren

Dear Darren,

I remember how much you used to complain when we were going hiking. Are you glad I took you hiking anyway? Now you like to hike! It’s always so hard to know when to insist and when to let you make your own choices.

Soon, you will be so old that you will be making all your own choices. Sometimes I wish I was still making all the choices for you because some of your choices worry me. But who knows, maybe my choices wouldn’t be the best choices for you after all. And even if my choices are still better than yours (because I have more experience), you need to learn to make your own choices, even if some of them scare me.

Even if your choices don't turn out as good as you may have hoped, you will learn. And some of your choices may turn out better than either of us would have predicted! So go ahead and go out there and make mistakes. It’s the only way to get anything done.

Love,
Mom

Hi Darren,

Sharon just found a good website about stuttering, http://www.stutteringhelp.org. I ordered some materials from them which we can look at when we have time over Thanksgiving break. I wonder now if we should have worked harder on it when you were younger. But it seemed the harder we worked, the more self-conscious you got about it, which made it worse. It's tricky to work on self-improvement without falling into the trap of thinking there is something wrong.

One key is to remember that you're doing perfectly fine as long as you are on your path, that is, as long as you are headed in the right direction. You don't have to be at the end of your path already. You're perfect where you are, because you are exactly where you are supposed to be at the moment, in order to get where you are going in the long run. As long as you are always learning and growing, you are doing perfectly.

Love,
Mom

Dear Mom,
I agree. The only person who can order you around is a parent or supervisor. Even then, there is some resentment if you do not understand the reasoning behind it. “Should statements” are never helpful, logic is only logical when you understand the whole picture, and people don’t need to be a slave to the emotions of others.

Darren

Dear Darren,

Yesterday I mentioned that you cannot make your friend change. Some people with Asperger often try to control their friends and family. They don’t realize that even if they win, they have seriously damaged the relationship. People hate being controlled, and they will treat you badly if you try.

People try to control other people in many ways. Sometimes it is by physical force, but other times it is by using emotions, such as getting angry. Sometimes it is done by bribery or threats. Other times people use logical arguments without listening to the other person’s side.

It’s OK to ask someone to change, but whenever you ask someone to do something, remember they always have the right to say no. And if they do say no, it is your responsibility to accept that without anger. You may be disappointed. But remember how there is a “should statement” in anger. If you are angry, you are thinking they shouldn’t have said no. But actually, they get to say no.

Love,
Mom