Tuesday, October 31, 2006
Teasing, Darren's response
Dear Mom,
You are absolutely right. There is no magic wand to change people’s actions. You can ask them to change, you can ask their superiors to make them stop, but that often makes it even worse. You need to learn how to deal with things by yourself.
Those are all legit options, but option 1, changing yourself, is the only one that is completely reliable. Some people just won’t leave you alone, so in that case, a case I was just experiencing, you have to try something else.
Darren
You are absolutely right. There is no magic wand to change people’s actions. You can ask them to change, you can ask their superiors to make them stop, but that often makes it even worse. You need to learn how to deal with things by yourself.
Those are all legit options, but option 1, changing yourself, is the only one that is completely reliable. Some people just won’t leave you alone, so in that case, a case I was just experiencing, you have to try something else.
Darren
Teasing
Dear Darren,
If you have a friend who teases you sometimes, you can’t force that friend to quit teasing by waving a magic wand, even though that might be your first choice option if that option existed. But you do have an option to learn to not mind too much that he’s teasing. You can tell yourself, “That’s just how he learned to act, he doesn’t mean anything.”
Another option is to choose to end the friendship and spend your time with people who don’t tease you. A third option is to ask him to quit teasing you. Whenever you ask someone to do something, you must remember that it is only a request and not a command. You can ask him to change, but you cannot make him change. He doesn’t have to change. He has the right to be whoever he wants to be, including a big tease.
It’s hard to get others to change. It’s easier to change yourself. Changing yourself is often a very good option because you have control over yourself but you don’t have control over others. Plus, when you change yourself first, others may change in response. So next time your friend teases you, laugh right along with him instead of getting angry. That will make you seem like a relaxed, confident and friendly person, and he will look a bit foolish. Soon his teasing will seem more friendly to you.
Love,
Mom
If you have a friend who teases you sometimes, you can’t force that friend to quit teasing by waving a magic wand, even though that might be your first choice option if that option existed. But you do have an option to learn to not mind too much that he’s teasing. You can tell yourself, “That’s just how he learned to act, he doesn’t mean anything.”
Another option is to choose to end the friendship and spend your time with people who don’t tease you. A third option is to ask him to quit teasing you. Whenever you ask someone to do something, you must remember that it is only a request and not a command. You can ask him to change, but you cannot make him change. He doesn’t have to change. He has the right to be whoever he wants to be, including a big tease.
It’s hard to get others to change. It’s easier to change yourself. Changing yourself is often a very good option because you have control over yourself but you don’t have control over others. Plus, when you change yourself first, others may change in response. So next time your friend teases you, laugh right along with him instead of getting angry. That will make you seem like a relaxed, confident and friendly person, and he will look a bit foolish. Soon his teasing will seem more friendly to you.
Love,
Mom
Monday, October 30, 2006
Choices and Options, Darren's response
Dear Mom,
When you do not understand what you could do and are supposed to do, you can blame others. But as you get older, you need to take responsibility for what you can do and not blame other’s for what you can’t do. As you get even older, you realize that complaining is not going to help solve anything. Like you said, your options aren’t always what you want, but they are usually better than sitting around waiting for the problem to fix itself or for other people to fix it for you.
Darren
When you do not understand what you could do and are supposed to do, you can blame others. But as you get older, you need to take responsibility for what you can do and not blame other’s for what you can’t do. As you get even older, you realize that complaining is not going to help solve anything. Like you said, your options aren’t always what you want, but they are usually better than sitting around waiting for the problem to fix itself or for other people to fix it for you.
Darren
Choices and Options
Dear Darren,
Our puppy is so much bigger! I think he doubled his size last night. He is a very good puppy, as long as I make sure that he does all the right things :)
Right now my puppy’s behavior is still mostly my responsibility. When I take him outside to potty, he does the right thing. But if I forget to take him out, he will potty in the wrong place and it was my mistake for not taking him out enough. If I put his food near him and keep my food out of his reach, he will eat his own food and not mine. But if I put my food where he could get it, he would eat mine! Oops!
As he gets older, his behavior will become more his own responsibility. One of the biggest aspects of growing up is taking personal responsibility. It means not blaming other people (like your teachers or your dad) for troubles in your life. It also means not blaming situations (like Asperger Syndrome) for troubles in your life.
Instead of blaming others or blaming situations, we make our own choices. In order to make our own choices, first we have to think through what our options are. Sometimes we don’t seem to have the option that we want.
For example, I can’t seem to cure my migraines, although I would certainly choose that option if it existed. So instead I keep trying, by choosing options that do exist and can help somewhat, such as a healthy diet.
Most of the time there are many options in life. Unfortunately, sometimes our options do not seem perfect to us. If you insist on having your one perfect option, you will be frustrated and not get anywhere because your one perfect option probably doesn’t exist. Usually your real options are limited and may require hard work.
I’ll write an example about that tomorrow.
Love,
Mom
Our puppy is so much bigger! I think he doubled his size last night. He is a very good puppy, as long as I make sure that he does all the right things :)
Right now my puppy’s behavior is still mostly my responsibility. When I take him outside to potty, he does the right thing. But if I forget to take him out, he will potty in the wrong place and it was my mistake for not taking him out enough. If I put his food near him and keep my food out of his reach, he will eat his own food and not mine. But if I put my food where he could get it, he would eat mine! Oops!
As he gets older, his behavior will become more his own responsibility. One of the biggest aspects of growing up is taking personal responsibility. It means not blaming other people (like your teachers or your dad) for troubles in your life. It also means not blaming situations (like Asperger Syndrome) for troubles in your life.
Instead of blaming others or blaming situations, we make our own choices. In order to make our own choices, first we have to think through what our options are. Sometimes we don’t seem to have the option that we want.
For example, I can’t seem to cure my migraines, although I would certainly choose that option if it existed. So instead I keep trying, by choosing options that do exist and can help somewhat, such as a healthy diet.
Most of the time there are many options in life. Unfortunately, sometimes our options do not seem perfect to us. If you insist on having your one perfect option, you will be frustrated and not get anywhere because your one perfect option probably doesn’t exist. Usually your real options are limited and may require hard work.
I’ll write an example about that tomorrow.
Love,
Mom
Saturday, October 28, 2006
Other People's Shoes, response by Darren
Dear Mom,
I don’t know if it is just that Pullman has better schools than Olympia, but I did notice that as we worked with my Asperger, the bulling slowed and eventually stopped. David Burns was really helpful too. Putting yourself in other people’s shoes is a difficult skill. I rarely think about it, and even when I do, I probably don’t do a very good job. But I do understand its importance, though.
Darren
I don’t know if it is just that Pullman has better schools than Olympia, but I did notice that as we worked with my Asperger, the bulling slowed and eventually stopped. David Burns was really helpful too. Putting yourself in other people’s shoes is a difficult skill. I rarely think about it, and even when I do, I probably don’t do a very good job. But I do understand its importance, though.
Darren
Friday, October 27, 2006
Other People's Shoes
Dear Darren,
When you were young, we worked hard teaching you to behave the way the rest of the world wanted you to behave. I did that mostly so everyone wouldn’t treat you so badly. When we cater to the rest of the world, they treat us better and we are more likely to find ways to achieve our goals. But behavior is a surface trait and there is more to character than that.
I am grateful that we discovered David Burn’s cognitive therapy, so we could learn together how to become more clear and happy on the inside, in our own minds. That way it wasn’t all just a show for the rest of the world.
And lastly, now when you are 16 years old, I think we have a new, even bigger task ahead of us. It’s about shoes. You know I love shoes! But the shoes for us to focus on now are other people’s shoes. You know the expression about putting yourself in other people’s shoes? It is an amazingly insightful way to look at the world. And it’s tricky. The first step is to imagine yourself standing in their shoes. What would you think about everything around you then? How does it make you feel? What would you like about having their life, and what would you not like? What would you hope and what would you fear? Maybe that’s what they hope and that’s what they fear. Or maybe not, because they are different from you.
The second step is much harder. The second step is to imagine you are actually them, with their minds and their beliefs. This time, you are not standing in their shoes with YOUR own beliefs and opinions and interests. You are standing in their shoes with THEIR beliefs and opinions and interests. So it’s like putting yourself in their shoes and seeing life through their minds. Sound tough? It’s one of the hardest things in life to do. And it is also hard to understand why it is worth the effort.
It is worth the effort because that is the secret to understanding people. And your world is made up mostly of people. So if you understand people, you will understand the world. And the more you understand about the world, the better off you will do in the world.
Whew, that was a long letter and a murky one. Tomorrow I will write something lighter!
Love,
Mom
When you were young, we worked hard teaching you to behave the way the rest of the world wanted you to behave. I did that mostly so everyone wouldn’t treat you so badly. When we cater to the rest of the world, they treat us better and we are more likely to find ways to achieve our goals. But behavior is a surface trait and there is more to character than that.
I am grateful that we discovered David Burn’s cognitive therapy, so we could learn together how to become more clear and happy on the inside, in our own minds. That way it wasn’t all just a show for the rest of the world.
And lastly, now when you are 16 years old, I think we have a new, even bigger task ahead of us. It’s about shoes. You know I love shoes! But the shoes for us to focus on now are other people’s shoes. You know the expression about putting yourself in other people’s shoes? It is an amazingly insightful way to look at the world. And it’s tricky. The first step is to imagine yourself standing in their shoes. What would you think about everything around you then? How does it make you feel? What would you like about having their life, and what would you not like? What would you hope and what would you fear? Maybe that’s what they hope and that’s what they fear. Or maybe not, because they are different from you.
The second step is much harder. The second step is to imagine you are actually them, with their minds and their beliefs. This time, you are not standing in their shoes with YOUR own beliefs and opinions and interests. You are standing in their shoes with THEIR beliefs and opinions and interests. So it’s like putting yourself in their shoes and seeing life through their minds. Sound tough? It’s one of the hardest things in life to do. And it is also hard to understand why it is worth the effort.
It is worth the effort because that is the secret to understanding people. And your world is made up mostly of people. So if you understand people, you will understand the world. And the more you understand about the world, the better off you will do in the world.
Whew, that was a long letter and a murky one. Tomorrow I will write something lighter!
Love,
Mom
Thursday, October 26, 2006
To Be Asperger or NT, response by Darren
Dear Mom,
I have always realized that I am uniquely gifted. I realized that my Asperger’s was a good thing. I also do realize that in order to get along with the people on this planet I need to communicate with people who are NT.
It is necessary to speak NT in order to function with your co-workers, bosses, people at church, friends, family, and any other person you interact with. Without these skills, you can make someone angry or upset without even knowing what you did.
Darren
I have always realized that I am uniquely gifted. I realized that my Asperger’s was a good thing. I also do realize that in order to get along with the people on this planet I need to communicate with people who are NT.
It is necessary to speak NT in order to function with your co-workers, bosses, people at church, friends, family, and any other person you interact with. Without these skills, you can make someone angry or upset without even knowing what you did.
Darren
To be Asperger or to be NT?
Dear Darren,
Looking back, I can see that in the early years after your diagnosis of Asperger Syndrome, we spent a lot of time trying to teach you to be like those who are NT, or neurotypical, which is what most people call normal. I don’t want to regret our hard work. We live in an NT world. And in order to succeed, it is usually best to learn to speak the prevalent language, the NT language.
Like any parent, I want you to be happy, and I believe that happiness is partially created by a sense of accomplishment. I want you to do well in this NT world, so I teach you about this NT world. But I hope that you did not think that you were supposed to become an NT. You have Asperger and we are proud of who you are.
Love,
Mom
Looking back, I can see that in the early years after your diagnosis of Asperger Syndrome, we spent a lot of time trying to teach you to be like those who are NT, or neurotypical, which is what most people call normal. I don’t want to regret our hard work. We live in an NT world. And in order to succeed, it is usually best to learn to speak the prevalent language, the NT language.
Like any parent, I want you to be happy, and I believe that happiness is partially created by a sense of accomplishment. I want you to do well in this NT world, so I teach you about this NT world. But I hope that you did not think that you were supposed to become an NT. You have Asperger and we are proud of who you are.
Love,
Mom
Tuesday, October 24, 2006
Welcome to Coaching Asperger Blog
Hi, this is Kristina Elaine. Welcome to my Coaching Asperger Blog.
This blog is structured as letters to my son. I expect that it will be of interest to those with Asperger Syndrome.
First let me briefly introduce myself. I am Kristina Elaine, and I am a life coach. I work with professionals; primarily engineers, physicists, computer scientists, doctors, and others in technical fields. Most of my clients have symptoms of Asperger Syndrome. You can learn more about that at http://www.coachingasperger.com.
My son, Darren, is 16 years old. He was diagnosed with Asperger Syndrome about 8 years ago, around the same time that I was training to become a life coach. He and I learned about coaching, and about Asperger Syndrome, together. We are still learning.
This blog is structured as letters to my son. I expect that it will be of interest to those with Asperger Syndrome.
First let me briefly introduce myself. I am Kristina Elaine, and I am a life coach. I work with professionals; primarily engineers, physicists, computer scientists, doctors, and others in technical fields. Most of my clients have symptoms of Asperger Syndrome. You can learn more about that at http://www.coachingasperger.com.
My son, Darren, is 16 years old. He was diagnosed with Asperger Syndrome about 8 years ago, around the same time that I was training to become a life coach. He and I learned about coaching, and about Asperger Syndrome, together. We are still learning.
