Friday, October 27, 2006
Other People's Shoes
Dear Darren,
When you were young, we worked hard teaching you to behave the way the rest of the world wanted you to behave. I did that mostly so everyone wouldn’t treat you so badly. When we cater to the rest of the world, they treat us better and we are more likely to find ways to achieve our goals. But behavior is a surface trait and there is more to character than that.
I am grateful that we discovered David Burn’s cognitive therapy, so we could learn together how to become more clear and happy on the inside, in our own minds. That way it wasn’t all just a show for the rest of the world.
And lastly, now when you are 16 years old, I think we have a new, even bigger task ahead of us. It’s about shoes. You know I love shoes! But the shoes for us to focus on now are other people’s shoes. You know the expression about putting yourself in other people’s shoes? It is an amazingly insightful way to look at the world. And it’s tricky. The first step is to imagine yourself standing in their shoes. What would you think about everything around you then? How does it make you feel? What would you like about having their life, and what would you not like? What would you hope and what would you fear? Maybe that’s what they hope and that’s what they fear. Or maybe not, because they are different from you.
The second step is much harder. The second step is to imagine you are actually them, with their minds and their beliefs. This time, you are not standing in their shoes with YOUR own beliefs and opinions and interests. You are standing in their shoes with THEIR beliefs and opinions and interests. So it’s like putting yourself in their shoes and seeing life through their minds. Sound tough? It’s one of the hardest things in life to do. And it is also hard to understand why it is worth the effort.
It is worth the effort because that is the secret to understanding people. And your world is made up mostly of people. So if you understand people, you will understand the world. And the more you understand about the world, the better off you will do in the world.
Whew, that was a long letter and a murky one. Tomorrow I will write something lighter!
Love,
Mom
When you were young, we worked hard teaching you to behave the way the rest of the world wanted you to behave. I did that mostly so everyone wouldn’t treat you so badly. When we cater to the rest of the world, they treat us better and we are more likely to find ways to achieve our goals. But behavior is a surface trait and there is more to character than that.
I am grateful that we discovered David Burn’s cognitive therapy, so we could learn together how to become more clear and happy on the inside, in our own minds. That way it wasn’t all just a show for the rest of the world.
And lastly, now when you are 16 years old, I think we have a new, even bigger task ahead of us. It’s about shoes. You know I love shoes! But the shoes for us to focus on now are other people’s shoes. You know the expression about putting yourself in other people’s shoes? It is an amazingly insightful way to look at the world. And it’s tricky. The first step is to imagine yourself standing in their shoes. What would you think about everything around you then? How does it make you feel? What would you like about having their life, and what would you not like? What would you hope and what would you fear? Maybe that’s what they hope and that’s what they fear. Or maybe not, because they are different from you.
The second step is much harder. The second step is to imagine you are actually them, with their minds and their beliefs. This time, you are not standing in their shoes with YOUR own beliefs and opinions and interests. You are standing in their shoes with THEIR beliefs and opinions and interests. So it’s like putting yourself in their shoes and seeing life through their minds. Sound tough? It’s one of the hardest things in life to do. And it is also hard to understand why it is worth the effort.
It is worth the effort because that is the secret to understanding people. And your world is made up mostly of people. So if you understand people, you will understand the world. And the more you understand about the world, the better off you will do in the world.
Whew, that was a long letter and a murky one. Tomorrow I will write something lighter!
Love,
Mom
